One of the most dangerous teachings today is that you need to learn to love yourself before you can love others. People who believe this will quote the verse “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39) and then say that a lot of people don’t love themselves and so they need to learn to love themselves before they can learn to love others.
Over the years I’ve heard many people say this. For some, learning to love themselves has become a lifelong project (and in some cases a lifelong income for their counselors). This “I’ve got to learn to love myself” maxim then becomes a license for people to focus on themselves and so excuse ridiculously selfish behavior.
I have three things to say about this.
First, Jesus could have inserted in His teaching “learn to love yourself and then learn to love your neighbor as yourself” but He didn’t. In fact, you’ll look in vain through Scripture for a verse telling people they need to learn to love themselves. Instead, the tenor of Scripture exhorts us not to be selfish and not to love ourselves too much.
Second, this “I need to learn to love myself before I can start loving others” is based on a subtle misunderstanding. When I hear this teaching I’m reminded of Gen. 3:1: “Now the serpent was more subtle than any other wild creature that the LORD God had made.” Indeed, this idea is another one of Satan’s talking points that his minions have been disseminating ever since.
Here’s what is so subtle about it. It is true that people often say they dislike or even hate themselves. But let’s pull that apart for a moment. When people say they don’t like (or hate) themselves, what they mean is that they don’t like things about themselves—they are too skinny, certain body parts are too big or too small, they have complexion issues, they aren’t good-looking enough, they have failed to accomplish this goal or that, others don’t like them, others don’t find them attractive, or whatever. Of course this is common. Doesn’t everyone have some things that they don’t like about themselves?
But there is a big difference between not liking things about yourself and not liking your very self.
Let me put it this way, if you really didn’t like yourself, if you really didn’t like the very basic person that you are, then you would look in the mirror and point at yourself and say, “you’re skinny, and your nose is too big, your face is pimply, you’re a failure, and no one likes you, and I’m glad! It makes me happy that you’re such a miserable loser because I hate you!”
Do you see what I mean?
Let me put it another way. Why does it bother someone that their body parts are too big or small, or that they are too skinny, or that they have failed at things they wanted badly to succeed in? For the very reason that they do love themselves! It hurts them that they aren’t better than they are because they love themselves. What they hate are things about themselves, not their very selves.
You may ask, what about those who commit suicide?
Suicide is a selfish act (I’m differentiating between suicide and self-sacrifice). At the core suicide is: I’m in pain (whether emotional or physical) and I’m not going to take it anymore. Also, sometimes suicide is tremendously manipulative or a way of getting others back.
Third, most of what people hate about themselves is based on not measuring up to the world’s standard of beauty and accomplishment. Therefore, what we all need to do is work hard to get off the world’s standard, to see ourselves as God sees us, to make sure we are doing what He wants us to do, and to realize that if we are faithful to Him now that we are going to have glorified bodies in heaven forever.
2 Cor. 5:16-17: “He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
Amen.
Great thoughts… currently reading “Generation Me” which talks about how today’s generation is focused on one’s self. We’ve become more narcissistic than we think when it’s broken down into detail. Thanks for sharing!
I’m reminded, Matt, of Jesus saying “he who saves his life will lose it but he who loses his life for my sake will find it.”
Pastor Jones,
I’ll never forget when somebody I know sagely decreed that I needed to love myself more. That phrase has stuck in my craw like a broken coke bottle ever since, while the Oracle at Delphi who uttered this prophetic wisdom is currently on her third marriage. Go figure!
Thank you for providing the Biblical basis upon which to properly love.
Ms. Oracle is a perfect example. When one focuses on themselves and how much they are being loved, instead of how much they are loving others, then they are never going to think their marriage partner is doing enough for them. This is just like Ringer’s old book: Looking Out for Number One.
How do we counsel those who are going through periods of depression or anxiety because they believe that they do not measure up in some way and do not believe they can improve?
Hi Stephen,
I could talk on this for hours (and have!). In short, we must base our self-worth entirely on what God thinks of us and what He is doing in and for us. As Christians we have been not only forgiven of our sins but we have been adopted into the family of God. As His children we are then heirs to His Kingdom (see Romans 8, Luke 12:32) who will be glorified upon His return and will reign with Christ over His Kingdom forever (2 Tim. 2:11-13, Rev. 22:5). I encourage you to make this your personal study for the next year (I really encourage this). Find out all the wonders that Christ has done for the Christian. Then work to communicate this to those you might counsel. I’ll talk more about this in the future and am working on a book that will encompass it. In the mean time you can check out my sermon at http://vimeo.com/7649780.
Clay
Pingback: Tweets that mention You Already Love You Enough | Clay Jones -- Topsy.com
Clay, well put. Jesus’ tells us to love others as we love ourselves. He assumes we love ourselves well and wants us to love others well. My contention is sometimes we don’t love ourselves well as evidenced by lack of discipline, laziness, lack of self control, selfishness and sin. If we really loved ourselves “well” we would never allow ourselves to practice these because these things will rot our souls. Loving others (serving, praying for, encouraging…) “well” on the other hand is also a very good thing for our own souls. In my mind a good way to love ourselves.
I’m sorry fellas, I believe when Jesus is speaking about loving ourselves, I don’t believe he’s talking about loving ourselves too much or too little.
I believe he’s talking about our care for one another as in a time of need. When Jesus is asked “what is the greatest commandment?” He quotes Deut 6:4 and Lev. 8:9. “To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind” and then he adds Lev. 8 “to love your neighbor as yourself”
When He tells the story of the Good Samaritan, we have a Priest and a Scribe who know the Shama Deut. 6:4 who can say in their heart that they Love God with all their heart, soul and mind, but leave out Lev. 8:9 “to love your neighbor as yourself”
In other words they say they love God yet they despise this person in need. We have the Pharasee who praises God because he fasts and tithes and looks down at the tax collector and thanks God he is not like him. No pity, no love, no compassion for one who is broken or one who is beaten.
I believe Jesus is saying that we should have compassion for one another as we would like to have someone show compassion to us, not waving a flag of Christianity, and walking like a Pharasee
Leonard
I don’t think we disagree, Leonard.
Clay
Other than forgiveness of sins and assurance of heaven, there are many other reasons why I love being a Christian.
One of them is that I don’t have to invest any money, time, or energy in improving my “self esteem.” I don’t need to pay psychologists or go to Tony Robbins’ conferences. I have everything I need in the Holy Bible. And it don’t cost a dime.
My “self” esteem is terrible and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My “God” esteem. Now that’s another story.
This is me —-> 😀
Right on, Steve!
Clay
Mary Jo Sharp has a Pod Cast dealing specifically with this topic. She is almost done with the 2nd part of the Pod Cast. You can find them on iTunes or at her web site: http://www.confidentchristianity.com under “Audio.” 🙂
Roger Sharp