Scott commented on my last blog that he had just confessed looking at porn to his wife and that she forgave him and is going to help him! Praise God for that!
I did the same thing over 30 years ago to my wife, Jean E. I told her, “If I ever look at porn again I will confess it to you that day.” I also told her that I would tell her how long I had looked at porn. After all, there is a great difference between two minutes and twenty (or two hours). Sheer embarrassment is a great motivator.
Not only did I experience an immediate sense of freedom and forgiveness, it also taught me discipline as it was very disciplining to have to confess to her. Strangely, this actually helped me become disciplined in non-lust related things too. Discipline is discipline. Thankfully, something that previously seemed out of control all of a sudden was controllable.
Sin, especially sexual sin, thrives in secrecy. Bringing it out into the open helps tremendously.
So if you are struggling with sexual sin, then find someone to be accountable to—either your spouse or someone of the same gender (I’ve seen people try to be accountable to someone of the opposite sex that they weren’t married to and that can cause problems for obvious reasons).
The best person to be accountable to is your spouse. The trouble with many accountability groups is that, sooner or later, they break up and so the accountability is then lost. A spouse, however, is supposed to be there forever. A word to spouses: of course this is difficult! Very difficult! But Jesus told us to forgive 70 times 7 a day (Mat. 18:22) and it is honorable before God that you bear the burden of your struggling mate (Gal. 6:1-2). You are extending to them the grace of God! Be patient with them and pray for them. God will help them out of this.
Again, let me emphasize that this isn’t just a male problem. Jean E. and I have talked with women who have been hooked on porn. One woman told me she no longer wants to have sex with her husband because she’d seen so much porn (some guys think it would make their wives sexier if their wives viewed porn—boy, is that confused).
I have found, however, that some spouses can’t handle knowing about it. Some women crumple. One woman told Jean E. and me that hearing that her husband looked at porn made her feel “raped.” By the way, it’s a mistake to use “raped” like that because it diminishes the significance of real rape.
God used Jean E. to help me mature! Just be aware that some spouses (whether male or female) might not be able to handle it–and be patient with them! We all have things we are strong in, or not. If you suspect that your spouse isn’t the type to handle this well, then, by all means, find someone else to confide in!
So, again, if you struggle with recurring sexual sin, then become accountable to your spouse or get into some sort of accountability relationship with one or more Christians of the same sex. You need someone who will take sexual sin seriously and pray it through with you.
James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
Amen.
Another approach that might help is to see the porn industry for what it really is: evil treatment of girls/boys who get tricked and trapped.
There are no “happy hookers.” America is one of the top countries in the world for sex trafficking. And it’s not just foreign women brought in, it’s young Americans who were abused as children. Even the women who go on TV shows to defend their “profession,” admit to having been beaten, threatened, and controlled. Some were even given scripts by pornographers and told exactly what to say.
Not just anyone gets pulled into prostitution. They are nearly all abused as children. Perhaps a girl is on the outs with her parents or friends. Perhaps she smoked a little too much weed or drank a bit much, and suddenly get “befriended” by a nice guy who wins her over. This isn’t really a nice guy, he’s a businessmen whose job is to watch for kids with low self-esteem. Like a cult leader, he showers them with attention and positive feedback. He “love bombs” them and gains their trust.
The next thing the girl knows, she’s locked in a room, threatened with violence, and forced to engage in acts on and off camera. She gets paid very little — if any — of the income she generates for her captor. She’s just a money-making scheme. Some of these young women are handed over by their own relatives who need to prove their allegiance to a boyfriend or a gang.
With no access to privacy, no phone to call for help, no money, no freedom to walk outside, they are trapped.
I would encourage churches to look at the problem of sex trafficking and how it is destroying the lives of vulnerable teenage girls/boys. Imagine your own child caught in this.
My point is: It’s so much more than one’s own personal guilt. Pornography hurts society by destroying our weakest neighbors. Jesus called us to care for the naked and hungry. These certainly qualify.
Agreed, Jane!
Jean E. and I weren’t able to have children so we took in foster children. Some of the foster children we took in had been molested. It made me see porn in a whole new light because once a girl has been molested many inhibitions have been terribly damaged. Many of the girls who are willingly taking it all off have been molested and I agree that if men and women realized that it would make porn a little less attractive. People that do that are hurting. Sadly, however, that isn’t always true, in this corrupted and corrupting society there are some who just want the attention and money!
Clay, kudos for taking on foster children. It’s a tough job to rebuild their boundaries, help them find “normal,” get through school, and teach them to maintain healthy friendships.
Some Christians see prostitutes as people whose dream job is the sex industry. The statistics give a different view: abused, and manipulated as children; tossed out by a stepmother, molested by a stepfather or uncle or cousin, poor self-esteem, little education, abandoned by addicted parents, forced to make it through life any way they can. With no hope for a normal job, she has to survive doing anything she can or die in the streets.
I’m just saying, Christians need to be encouraged to err on the side of compassion rather than judgment.
And when people view porn, they need to say, “This smiling girl has been coerced and set up. I refuse to take advantage of her misery and will not put more money in the pocket of the person who uses her as a commercial enterprise.”
Clay,
Could there be an underlining issue within the church body itself of not having the ability to be James Chapter 5 church due to the fear of rumors and finger pointing. If the church itself was more like the Jerusalem Church of the 1st century, then public confession would be easier knowing that we would be able to join our fellow sojourners in a time of edification rather than gossip mongering, as well as being lifted up in loving support instead of being thrown under the bus.
Sometimes it feels as if Christians cannot wait for other Christians to screw-up so that, for the most part, the body can point and accuse to make themselves feel better rather than genuinely be concerned about the edification and purification of the body of Christ.