I teach every semester on the problem of evil and it can get very theological/philosophical. Of course, apologists should give intelligent answers, but, when someone cries because they are in a crisis, then explaining God’s larger plan for the universe may not be what they need. Instead, as Paul said in Romans 12:15, we are to “weep with those who weep.” I used to be a pastor and I’ve seen many people go through crises so I thought I would share a little bit about what to do if someone starts crying (guys: many of your wives will be thankful if you do these things).
Listen and let them cry! In other words, don’t try to get them to stop. We often want to stop them because we don’t know what to do if someone starts crying. The best thing you can do is let them cry. Just be there with them. Hear them out. “Weep with those who weep,” as Paul said.
Related to the above, unless you have one within reach, don’t offer to go get them a Kleenex, or anything like that. Now if they appear visibly self-conscious of the fact that they are getting gooey–then offer to get them one. Otherwise, let them cry. Offering to go get them a Kleenex can send the message, “You’re getting kind of messy right now; let me help you fix it!” Just let people cry. If I know people are going to be emotional around me, then I have a box of Kleenex within their reach so that they can get one if they want. I’ve seen some so upset that they didn’t care that their nose was running and that L’Oreal was streaming down their faces. They were just glad to be heard by someone who cared.
Let the crying person set the amount of personal space they want. I let people in crisis choose how close they want to be to me by sitting down first and letting them choose how close or far they want to be. Some people will sit across the room, some will sit right next to me.
Don’t tell them “Don’t cry,” or that everything is going to be okay, that God is in control, that it will all work out for good, etc. This kind of comment is mostly for us–not for them–and it delegitimizes their tears. When people cry it’s easy to blab bromides to try to stop the crying. Don’t do it—crying is good for people in crises.
Do encourage people to talk about what’s upsetting them. If someone gets unexpectedly emotional, ask them if they would like to talk about it. That will let them decide if they want to get more emotional with you. People need to talk and they need a listening ear. The only caveat would be when you notice that they are fighting back tears because they might be embarrassed by others seeing them (if others are around).
Let the crying person decide how much physical contact they would like. People are very different on this and they respond very differently with different people, depending on how safe they feel. This is simple to figure out. If someone is crying I might reach out to gently and briefly touch them on the shoulder (depending on their body language). If you do that you will know immediately whether the person you’ve touched wants more or less. Some people will immediately move slightly away. You know what that means: no more touching. Other people may lean towards you which means your touch is welcome. Some people have hugged me in that situation. Whatever the case, it’s not about you. You’re trying to make the other person feel comfortable. I should add that men will usually not want another man to hug or usually even touch them if they’re in tears (that might be different in other cultures).
Ask if there is some way you can help and maybe give concrete suggestions that you really mean (like offering to bring a meal—that was a great blessing to us when I had cancer. We were so overwhelmed and not having to shop and cook can be really wonderful). But if you offer to do something—do it.
If you can be there for the hurting person, tell them that you’d be glad to talk with them more—that you’re there for them. But then make sure you are there for them. That gives people hope and makes them feel like they are not alone.1 Galatians 6:2: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Amen.
- I’m indebted to my first counseling professor, Dr. Leonard Cerny, for many of these insights [↩]
Thanks Dr. Jones. This is very helpful!
Dr Jones, you are so spot on! These points are among those I learned from my training as a chaplain. The power of one’s presence, the patience of listening, and the investment of one’s availability are so critical. Thanks for writing this article.