Yesterday I posted that true Christians cannot go on living in unrepentant sexual sin, but Christians need help! Here’s my story.
The first time I found porn at six or seven-years-old, I thought we could be friends for life. From then on, my “forts” were as full of porn as I could find (I should point our that porn was relatively tame back then). I didn’t see anything wrong with it until I became a Christian two days before I turned 13. Well, I ditched the porn and didn’t really struggle with it after that because to look at porn back then you had to actively go out and search for it.
We got married when I was 18-years-old but a couple of years after we got married, I saw an X-rated movie. I was appalled at myself! Sickened. I told the Lord I would never, ever do that again. But sometime later I saw another porn film. Again, I told the Lord that I would never, ever do that again and I meant it! But then some time passed and I saw another one. Well, I was horrified with myself. I couldn’t live with myself. But I could see that I needed help to stop looking at porn. So, I confessed it to Jean and told her that if I ever saw porn again, that I would confess it to her that same day. I’ve kept my word. And that really helped: I never went out to see a porn film again (by the way, not every spouse can handle being told this so you might be better off confessing it to same-sex friends).
But then Porn Came to Me
Prior to the internet and cable television (yes, that dates me), it wasn’t easy to see porn. As I said, you had to actively go out and find it. But then porn came to me—to all of us, really. I am right now using a laptop and you are, right now, using a computer or cell phone to read this, and we both know we could see pornographic images in just a few clicks if we wanted to (the large majority of men reading this and, maybe not a majority, but a large proportion of women reading this, have intentionally sought out porn on their devices). Anyway, over the years I have occasionally clicked on pornographic images, and I’ve confessed it to Jean—humiliating—and that has been a great deterrent.
You Can Stop Looking at Porn
Thankfully, Jean is forgiving because occasionally I’d be tempted to, and would again, click on a pornographic image. Well, almost 17 years ago (right after I had bone cancer), I decided (these words are carefully chosen and I’ve written them down), that if I ever intentionally click on the image of an unambiguously naked woman, that I will do a 48-hour, no-calorie fast. (If you’re not used to fasting then I’d start with much shorter periods). Also, if somehow a pornographic image appears that I didn’t seek—we all know that happens—I have ten seconds to look away or the same fasting applies (I give myself 10 seconds because I need to realize what it is and then get away from it). It has now been many years since I have intentionally clicked on an image of an unmistakably naked woman. It’s. Not. Worth. It.
By the way, I also discipline myself for sexual fantasy, so sexual fantasy is no longer a part of my life. I have also successfully employed this kind of discipline to keep me from committing other kinds of sin. For example, intentionally sinning on the internet–in other words, seeing lustful images that might not be naked images–is 60 minutes of Bible study (again, I’d start with less). When I first started doing this kind of thing almost seventeen-years-ago, every time I lusted, whether on the internet or not, was five minutes of Bible study in addition to however long I lusted. The result: in just a few months I read the entire Old Testament (and, by the way, No, it didn’t diminish my love of the Bible. You might see my post, “How I Study the Bible… and Love It“).
Is This Legalistic?
I realize that some of you will think I’m legalistic. I absolutely, positively would have thought that twenty years ago. But I’m thankful to God for “a way of escape” (1 Corinthians 10:13). It’s so worth it! And I haven’t had to confess to Jean for even seeing the image of an unmistakably naked woman for more than one second for a long time. Sometimes you need to put up walls to keep things out of your life.
Now, I’m not saying my way of escape should be your way of escape (some of you might not need to be this drastic). My point in sharing this is that for me this was a way of escape, and it didn’t involve me gouging out an eye (Matt. 5:29). You don’t have to be hooked on sexual sin. You can prayerfully find a different way out. But you’ve got to do what it takes. I wrote a post about this: “Lust: Are We Willing to do What It Takes?” If you’re feeling bad about sinning again and again, check out my post, “So You’ve Sinned Again… and Again,” that will help.
As I wrote in my book Why Does God Allow Evil?, you and I need to learn to reign in our brain. You and I can stop looking at porn; we don’t have to live in lust, we can find a way of escape.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” —1 Corinthians 10:13
It’s true. I’ll discuss what is by far the most important way to control lust in tomorrow’s post.
My story is similar to yours. I recently have found a monitoring app installed on my phone has really helped.
A good word brother. I still struggle periodically with it. The computer has opened doors that should never have been allowed.
I have virus protection software that won’t let me go to any sites. I took an axe to an old computer that I had, without the virus software, that I found too tempting. I have Safe Search set as the default on my two browers…plus I’ve deliberately erased the passwords I set for the anti-porn and safe search settings, so I can’t disable it anyway.
The trouble is image searches on the private browsing setting for Google (or Bing, etc.). I use private browsing for online banking or online purchases, so it has its use. No amount of adjusting the browser preferences, or internet research on any anti-porn software indicates a solution so far……and believe me, I’ve searched. So I’m still dealing with that. YouTube at least has a pop-up window that appears if you try to look at adult content, where you have to sign in first to see it. That gives me pause, and often snaps be back to the consequences of my sin. I’ve talked to Celeste about telling her when I fall, but she gets very upset and wouldn’t want to hear it (she was cheated on by a boyfriend and caught him in the act, so she’s very sensitive).
I’ve got about 25 pages of notes I’ve taken over the years about porn, and a well-worn page of texts in a flyleaf page in my Bible that help. Porn seems much like an addiction to eating an extra sugar cookie: 1) the cookie isn’t real food; it doesn’t provide real nourishment; 2) it merely titillates your palate for sweetness; 3) eating it promotes a lie of denial (it’s only one cookie, I deserve it, it’s been so long since I’ve tasted anything good). I remember once being jolted by God when viewing a porn site. Clicking on that site was recorded as a hit, telling the site that people–like me—wanted to view that stuff, and that my action was reinforcing the site’s reason for showing porn, and that there was a legitimate market for it. And secondly, that the people having sex were probably paid porn actors, and I was, in fact, paying for prostitution. That was a rude awakening.
The challenge at my age now is twofold. One, is the “almost-sex” images and videos that I am more easily tempted with. The other, is that sexual desire has waned far more in Celeste than in me, and it’s become physically uncomfortable for her as well. I’ve struggled with private masturbation sessions, fantasizing only about her, but I still often feel weird or dejected. I don’t think the church addresses this issue for older married men. Celeste, while still a non-Christian, is very much a “good Catholic girl,” so any alternative sexual practices we could try, she is uncomfortable with. So I’ve come to the somewhat depressing conclusion that I must train myself to be a eunuch, and kill any sexual feelings at all because the only biblically allowable option is both physically and relationally off the table. I’m not contemplating castration…yet.
At a class at my church on homosexuality, I pointed out that the church should offer to help pay for hysterectomies and castrations for younger gay Christian adults who are struggling and falling. Since the evangelical position is no-sex, no-marriage (no-kids and no-family too) for gay Christians, why not just cut out the desire completely? Jesus said, “If your eye offends you, gouge it out.” I was, and still am, deadly serious. I think the “just try harder” message—no criticism to you—leaves gay Christians, and many hetero ones, dangling. How many episodes of sin-and-repentance should it take before “the knife” becomes a serious, legitimate option?
I hope all is well with you and Jean.
Best,
Roger
Sorry for the delay, Roger! Read my post “Is Masturbation a Sin?”
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